Part 13…That number seems fitting.

A photo of me laying underneath a blanket with handprints all over it.

It took hours to get me ready but I did it. And then I rested on the couch, refusing a picture of all of me as I was so disgusted with how skinny I was. My darling friend, Annie was an angel for many reasons but she also had the sweet nursery kids make me a blanket which I snuggled up under and prepared to go to “the house”.

I had no nerves. I was completely still.

My mom happened to be in town to help care for us and she helped Cade support me as we walked to the car and drove to the house I’d found. The drive was totally silent. We all felt it. This would be it.

Cade put his arm around my waist and carried me while letting it appear I was walking as I was so embarrassed. It’s hard being broken in front of others. They don’t know your story. You can love yourself and still want to hide a little. And that’s ok.

The yard was beautiful, it happens to be the exact week we looked at the house almost 4 years ago if you can believe that. Maybe I was supposed to write this story right now.

The front door opened and it smelled like cookies, I wanted to roll over and die but Cade was thrilled. Any other time and I would have been too.

This was it. My legs were going fast, I knew I was going to go down. My heart was racing and Cade could feel my distress. He quickly took me to a couch.

And there I sat.

Cade toured the house, occasionally helping me see something. But it didn’t matter that I didn’t walk every room or that while the home owner talked I was praying desperately to not throw up, not hearing a thing she said.

I knew.

Cade knew.

Heck, even my mom knew. As we got in the car I said, “that’s home Cade.” Cade quickly replied, “I know, I feel we are needed here.”

And then my mom from the backseat, “the moment we walked in I felt as though you were home.”

So we made it back home, I laid in the bathroom so sick and Cade made an offer.

They turned it down.

And so I began packing again without a house.

I had to hold on.