Fighting for Faith in the Darkness Part 18

For the full story, please read all our previous posts: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17

 

When I was a little girl I was crazy for reading. At this exact age I’d curl up in the corner with my “carebear” my secret nickname my family calls me, ask me later about that one, and I’d read it books or my mom would read to us until she dozed off. A stack of books a mile high. It’s no wonder I also read to my children.

 

A photo of my as a little girl.

 

My two favorites were I’ll Love You Forever 😭😭and I Like to Help My Mommy.

Both books about being a mother.

The first how she loved him and sang to him every night, “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”

And the next a little boy named Jaime who helped his mommy do everything. I was determined to be a mother one day and I helped my mom with everything just like Jaime did in the Book, probably not always my mom’s favorite.

Now, there I was, I’d promised God that this blog wouldn’t just be about paying our bills, no it was His, God’s platform, and I’d always do with it whatever He wanted. So I was willing to walk.

I remember kneeling down one night, ready to hear those comforting words, “just be a mother” exactly like I wanted & He’d want me to have that righteous desire and instead I was shocked when I had the DISTINCT IMPRESSION that we had a ministry to fulfill and our work was not complete.
😱😔

But that wasn’t my plan!! This wasn’t my plan! I didn’t want to be a working mom, I wanted to be a hold you and love you and laugh with you mom! How could I be both when I was feeling so stressed?!

It was an answer I was not expecting BUT it helped us to set some goals and boundaries.

We were determined to follow Him, Keep our Covenants, love and serve each other, our children, and those around us.

We promised each other, we aren’t in this for the fame or fortune, we are in the business of BEING A LIGHT in an ever increasingly DARK WORLD, just as he had taught us through unemployment.

But then I got pregnant with our 3rd child and that answer quickly was forgotten as life became about survival and a blog wasn’t high on my list.

And now we’ve come full circle, and we can really start to talk about how our lives had and would be changing.

 

A photo of our daughter curled up on the floor crying.

 

This picture of our daughter destroys me. I can’t remember what started the tears but mommy going back into the hospital is what pushed it over the top. I cannot even begin to express what it does to your heart to not be there for your children while you battle #hyperemesisgravidarum

But I’m grateful. It has made me into who I am. I look them in the eyes and I love all children around me.

Christ didn’t JUST suffer in the garden so that he could be the ONLY ONE who absolutely understands with perfect empathy so he could comfort us AND so that he could show us the way as he’d already climbed the same mountain.

No, pain in this life is also so that we could better understand and know HIM. He has felt everything I have felt. And now I can glimpse into his suffering and with love choose to stand with him. Be his. Forever. “Then saith he into them, my soul is exceeding sorrowful, even into death: tary ye here, and watch with me… and he went a little further and fell on his face and prayed,” Matthew 26:38-39

“Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.
And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.
And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.”
Luke 22:42-44

He hurt. He acknowledged the pain, asked others to stand with him, asked to be saved, and was ministered to by angels. That would be my present and future. I knew it had already been my past and could death grip on the faith I’d already been given.

I prayed every day. I looked for the blessings. I was submissive and chose to hold on. On the hardest days I would say, cheesy as it sounds, “go ahead and keep trying to break me, let Satan tempt me to anger or sadness, I am not giving up on what I know to be true, I do NOT stand alone.”

And I didn’t. I allowed myself to see every angel in my life that ministered as he was ministered to and I recognized out loud and in my mind that all was witness that Christ too was there, ministering. He knew the pain and would never let me suffer without him. May I share something that will change you?

 

I can remember…

We had been unemployed with two small children for over a year and we were feeling quite broken.

Oh, we were so frustrated but we were also just certain that there was a reason for it and that our prayers would be answered in looking for a job. We held on to the feeling that it would be ok and knew that it would be our choice to live and serve as happy as we could in the darkest of times.

And we did.

Sure we cried and got mad at our situation at times but choosing to hold on made it so that those feelings quickly left and we pressed forward.

At one point our savings account had been spent and we had sold a piece of furniture to pay the bills . We were living off of our food storage (what we had bought in case of emergency) and only had a few dollars left. I went to the store all alone to buy a few things.

I felt like somehow everyone knew I had nothing as I walked through those aisles. We hadn’t had fresh produce in a year and I couldn’t imagine ever going shopping and just buying whatever I needed, or even a want.

I picked up milk, bread, a small cheese and peanut butter that was on sale. When checking out it rang up too high and I awkwardly said, “oh, I actually didn’t need that peanut butter” paid for the rest and quickly left feeling totally humiliated.

I’ve honestly never felt so low and alone. We had done everything right, we were good with our money, held a tight budget, gotten our degrees, were faithful and prayerful, continuously sought opportunities to serve and yet somehow people whose lives were a mess seemed to be blessed with more.

It was a moment I wondered, and for the first time ever, if I had worth.

As I approached our car a bagger came running up to me and explained that an older gentleman had said that no one should ever be without peanut butter and bought it for me. I can’t even type without tears streaming down my face.

 

A photo of a stack of peanut butter meltaway cookies.

 

That man had compassion on me when he could have seen me as lazy or worthless because I couldn’t even buy peanut butter or a million other things. Instead he saw a human being that needed a tender mercy and he didn’t need to ask any questions, he just needed to act.

To be continued..

 

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Carrian Cheney

Lover of all things beautiful, good and delicious. Wife, mother, friend, foodie.

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2 comments on “Fighting for Faith in the Darkness Part 18”

  1. I was just on your blog looking at a pie recipe and then after I left a scripture came to mind that I ran across this morning. I looked it up again. It was Matthew 10:27 “What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.“ After a short time, I decided to come back to your blog, but to go to the home page, and there I found this series you are writing on, Faith in the Darkness. God bless you for proclaiming from the roofs all that you have been through.