In an instant I felt it, I had started down the path, shown faith that although my heart aches for one of my own I’d be willing to do whatever I was supposed to, sacrificing my own desires for His. I trust God, you all know that by now. He has never let me down and His way is always better even when it can hurt sometimes. But it happened.
I always try to act on every little good thought that comes to mind as practice in hearing more good things and acting on them. If I think to hug a child even though they already walked out the door I run to do it. And that habit helped me hear, “Carrian, it’s time. I know the desires of your heart, I’ll help you have your own baby.”
Was this real?! I knew the risks. I mean, people die from hyperemesis gravidarum and I’d been far enough down that road before.
I knew what I needed to do. I have tears sliding down my cheeks and shaky hands as I write this, just as I had in that moment.
But this was my life, I’d be risking my own survival and a baby’s
by trying a third time so I knew I had to have a very serious prayer with Cade. And what about our house? If we were going to move, it had to be now! I couldn’t move once I was pregnant as I knew it would be worse and I’d be in the hospital.
Do you have a memory that’s so rich you can instantly feel the carpet as you walked up the stairs, the sound of the door shutting and the feel of the bed as you sat down to explain something so important to your husband? I am there. I am in that bedroom and though it’s only in my mind I can almost feel the pounding of my heart and yet the stillness of my soul as I knew with certainty that this moment was going to take great faith on both our parts.
“Cade, I need to talk to you.”
“Ok! What’s up! Why are you sad?”
“Oh I’m not sad but it is serous. I feel we are to drop adoption and have our own baby”
“And what if we lose you? How could I ever watch you suffer and then lose you? I don’t care about how the baby comes, I can’t bury you.”