Peanut butter has always been a fave of mine but it holds a special place in my heart now because of yesterday’s story. Not just because of the tiny miracle that filled up the holes in my heart but because of how it changed me.
After getting the answer that I was supposed to be blogging and reminded me I had a work to do that peanut butter story was one of the first outside of my pregnancy I shared online.

It was terrifying.

Still is to be honest.

These are all of my inner most thoughts, feelings, highs, lows and experiences and yet I share them with all of you.

And why?

Why when it’s not food related, well maybe this killer PB BANANA BREAD is 🍌 but why share things so openly?
I’m trying so hard to live up to promises I probably made long before. We believe each of us has a purpose or mission, and it ain’t just to live a good life, so nice try. 😜 it’s also to become and to help others do the same. To be the angel to the person falling apart next to you that no one else is noticing. So how am I doing it?

A close up photo of a loaf of peanut butter banana bread still in the pan with chocolate and peanut butter chips on top.

It’s not just online, though that’s huge. I ask myself all day every day to help me to see and recognize God’s hand in my life and then to be able to articulate moments to share with others. To be a light when they feel dark. And that goes for my real life. Every holiday season We pay for the person’s groceries behind us. It started out as a prayer after that pb to one day pay it forward so I’d leave a couple of bucks at check out when I could and as the blog grew I’ve kept my promise to use it for good, even when that means spending two months paying the entire bill of the person behind me. And every time I do I see that man’s face.

I decided, I’m letting the hurt and trial make me into someone I want to be instead of the victim who suffered. And it’s been AMAZING. I give and think, “please Heavenly Father I don’t need any blessings in return” and that stinker gives back ten fold every time. (He and i get each other and I’m allowed to call Him that 😘😂) You can’t pay him back, the trial is to become. He loves you & sees you, so let Him change you.

You know how a certain smell, peppermint like in the movie Anastasia reminds her of her grandma, the smell of rain reminds me of home, and so on can, stir things in you and put you right back in that moment? This picture and the sounds instantly put me back on this table. My breathing feels heavier and my chest is tightening to type it. I remember.

I remember the sound of the paper crinkling under me, the sound of the nurse quietly breathing, the sound of the cuff tightening (a children’s cuff was normally used along with nicu needles etc because everything else was too big for me now) and most of all I remember the sound of silence.

A photo of me sitting in the doctor's office getting my blood pressure checked.

We all knew.

It was time to admit me again.

I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t be there again.

And I knew it would be time for feeding tubes.

Something life saving felt like my enemy.

Dr Haskett walked in and quietly, so tenderly said, Carrian I need to admit you.

I broke.

There was no more, “I have faith! I can overcome! HE can heal me. It won’t be so bad this time because I’ll find the good and hold on.”

That was gone for a moment.

I just cried.

I heard him tell the nurse outside, she needs to be admitted right now, she’s having a hard time though, she started crying when I told her.

No house.

No weight on me.

A baby whose ultrasounds were showing issues with this heart.

And now the hospital. Again.

But man, the hospital was so worth it for the moment Cade captured with our girls the day I was released. I didn’t hear it until we were on stage with thousands of women and it is burned into my heart.

A photo pf crepes full of Nutella with fresh raspberries on top.

There we were, standing on stage looking into the eyes of a few thousand women and Cade started to tell this story, one that at first kind of sounded like it wasn’t really going anywhere, until I found myself swallowing down gulps to hold back from little sobs on stage. Cade’s words were inspired and full of love in the most tender way a wife could witness…

After being released from the hospital, we came home and I remember that I started cooking crepes for the girls. I remember Carrian laying on the couch as we prepared dinner. {Life with girls is A LOT OF TALKING} My girls were questioning why mommy had to be so sick, why she had to go to the hospital so much, why she had to have tubes in her and why they stuck her so many times with needles.
I told the girls, “mommy is going through a little bit of a rough time right now, she doesn’t feel very good because of her pregnancy. She’s kind of like crepes.

Right now we only see a big bowl of goo, (thanks a lot Cade…😜) WE CAN’T SEE IT’S POTENTIAL.

What happens after daddy pours this batter into this hot pan?

It takes a HEATING process that allows the liquid to take shape and form into a delicious crepe. Then you get to add Nutella, berries, bananas and anything else you want to make something awesome.

Mommy is like this crepe batter. Even though she is struggling right now, she is really being refined by our Savior and she will be even better than what she originally started as. She’s BECOMING SOMETHING AMAZING.

Cue all the tears. Is that really what my husband saw in me? Someone becoming something amazing? Is that what God and our Savior see? Do they stand back in awe of us in a hot pan, cheering us on and watching the miracle of transformation? And all we feel is the heat, unaware of the change.

That moment, my gosh, a moment years later on a stage and those words pierced me as truth. Going into the hospital had no purpose other than health to me at the time. I had begged to be healed and yet had gotten worse, but looking back I would never change my story. And then the phone rang, it was the house…