I had two things I’d decided were going to be my focus for this pregnancy.
The first was gratitude.
I was determined to not complain or turn negative and if you read my last post you know that’s a lot harder than it sounds. It becomes easier to hate life than to see any good in it but I knew I was already full of anxiety so every day I’d find something to feel grateful for.
If I threw up 35 times instead of 42 I’d be grateful. If the girls’ hair was a disaster and someone was crying about it, I’d be grateful for the most incredible and humble husband who was willing to make mistakes in an attempt to braid hair instead of feeling frustrated and angry and more sick that I couldn’t do it. And on and on.
And do you know what was really life saving? Something I do to this day?
I write letters.
My good friend brought me a stack of cards and I’d say a little prayer, whoever’s name popped into my head was the one I’d write to and Cade and the girls or other friends would deliver or mail the letters. With HG the dehydration gets so bad you can’t focus and your hands shake too bad to write but I would close my eyes and write the best I could.
Focusing on loving others in literally the only way I could is probably what saved me the most. It allowed me a moment to feel human and possibly even needed. You guys, when your body is working to kill you there’s nothing you need more than to have something to bring you away for just a moment.
Listen, I’m no super hero. I still had moments I’d break down but that’s another curse of Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Once you’re long past dehydration your body no longer makes tears.
FUN FACT: Did you know crying actually releases chemicals that will help you to heal mentally and emotionally? It is the craziest most frustrating thing to not have that release.
You know what, it’s rude. It’s just plain rude. Aren’t we broken enough that by that point we deserve a dang good cry?
But it taught me something, I am a survivor even when everything, even tears are taken from me.
If only I knew everything was about to get worse and I’d see unimaginable miracles.